


shuddery

by orphan_account



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kanda's not as emotionally constipated, Other, Still a man of few words tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:19:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27667364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: No matter how much a blow is softened, the impact always lands.Healing from it is daunting, but doable.
Relationships: Kanda Yuu & Lenalee Lee
Kudos: 6





	shuddery

Allen.

He was gone. And with him went a part of Lenalee, one she wasn't sure would ever return. 

Maybe this was why Komui wouldn't let her date anyone, she thought dully. Because he knew she didn't just love people. She attached herself to them. They became a facet of her the more she basked in the presence of those select few. And when they altered their course without her in mind, well, the breakaway was a slap in the face, the recoil of which sent her reeling. In Allen's case it had come in the guise of a hug, and soothing, misleading words.

The Order will always be your home? her heart cried. Then why aren't you here now? Why did you leave? Why couldn't you explain? Why didn't you TELL me anything?

No matter how much a blow is softened, the impact always lands. 

His defection was a fishbone caught between the teeth of her thoughts. She couldn't stop obsessing, replaying those last few moments, trying to discern if something, anything she could have said would have changed the outcome. That's another thing- she didn't really say much. She had been preparing herself on the way over to stop Allen from doing something crazy. She hadn't dreamt that he would leave, and when he summoned the ark, all her thoughts flew right out of her head. And she cried a lot, and he graced her with some pretty words and left. She didn't stop him.

 _WEAK,_ echoed through her mind. Lenalee clenched her teeth and pressed her forehead harder against the balustrade of her balcony. To have these thoughts- to be blaming herself for the irreconcilable- it hinted at a relapse the likes of which she hadn't experienced since pre-Black Order days,when she was prone on that bed and convinced it was her fault the Innocence wouldn't bond with her. 

She couldn't, she couldn't fall into that mindset- Lenalee crouched down, her arms wrapped around herself, and rocked back and forth. Forward, a heart squeeze of blame and loss, starry night sky flashing past her eyes. Backwards, emptiness and numb acceptance, into the threshold of her dark room. 

For quite some time she kept up the motion. It took her well over the doorstop now, so that only her ankles pressed against the smooth marble floor of her balcony. So into her dark room now, away from the outside which offered nothing but recriminations. It was a game Lenalee played, equating the ebb and flow of her emotions with physical movements, so that her body took over damage control. Goodness knew her haphazard thinking was the crux of her issues.

By this point she was fully inside her room, and Lenalee dropped onto her back to study the dim outline of her ceiling light fixture. She felt awfully bereft and blank. Ok, she'd had her obligatory hissy fit after one of her precious people cut her out. Now what? Nothing had been resolved. Allen was still out there-alone...

Aaand the recriminations were back full force, wiping out the progress of her coping mechanism. It was ten times worse than before, because now those demons had her breakdown to feed off of. Weak! Weak! Weak...

It was at the apex of her attack, when nearly all she could comprehend was Allen's face and the roar of blood through her ears, that a muffled thump sounded against her wall. A little thing, but Lenalee latched onto the stimulus as she would a lifejacket and sat up. 

Another bang rang out, as if furniture was being moved. Someone cleared their throat. 

Someone? Kanda! He had the room next to hers. Lenalee squeezed her thighs together, staring at the plaster of her wall. How could she have forgotten he was back? 

Because it's been a few weeks, she reminded herself. Earlier that day Kanda had returned from who knows where to announce that he was, in fact, still a member of the Order. Her self doubts had wholly convinced her he would never come back, and Lenalee had stared dumbly while Kanda made his proclamation. Then there had been that thing with his Innocence- she had cupped the cooling liquid that was Mugen in her palms, not wanting it to spill, and Kanda had drunk it from her hands. He'd given her an odd look, as if he would have preferred she let Mugen drain away.

That's right- that had made her think he was a little mad at her so she kind of shut him out. Just in case he was.. she couldn't understand the change that had come over him. Every night since Allen left had been a struggle, and she couldn't handle more stress.

Had he heard her, though? Lenalee bit her lip. He would be disappointed in her. Annoyed at the fact that rather than take action she'd been sitting here stewing. 

Or would he?

 _I think you're a strong woman._ He'd said that when she was doing basically the same thing she was now, running away from her problems. He had been straightforward and frank, a refreshing change in the face of her flighty emotions. Would he be so open now? He was tired, after his journey. And not just physically. Mentally. She knew this instinctively. He was _different_.

But what were her options? When Lenalee looked at her bed, a wave of repugnance washed over her. No. No,she would not sleep on this and pretend she was ok, that she wouldn't fall into the same spiral tomorrow night. She would go to Kanda. If he really didn't feel like dealing with her then he would say so, unless he had switched bodies or something during his trip. 

Lenalee stood up, empowered with the force of her resolution. Look at the affect Kanda already had on her.

* * *

She wasn't feeling quite so confident standing in front of his door. The seething coils of her inner demons murmured inside of her. She should go back to her room.

With great effort she raised her hand, knuckles first, and rapped on Kanda's door. 

There was the screech of a chair being pushed back, and then he opened his door.

Kanda had had his eyebrows raised, as if he was ready to dish out a smartass remark at whoever was bothering him. Then he took full stock of her. Lenalee could actually see the words die on his lips.

Silently, he held the door open wider, and Lenalee ducked under his arm, feeling her lips tremble. 

He had been working at his desk, that much was obvious from the kerosene lamp and oodles of paperwork. Lenalee was just taking in his very orderly shoe rack by the foot of his bed when she felt the touch of his hand on her shoulder. 

And fragile state that she was in, it actually startled her.

The crease between Kanda's brows deepened.

"What's going on?" he asked bluntly. 

"Nothing." Lenalee bit her own tongue. "Umm, how are you?" 

Ohmygosh.

"I've been working," Kanda said, taking pity on her. He brushed past her and sat down at his desk. "Your brother's been goofing off or something because my records have all been destroyed."

"That's because we didn't think you would come back," and to her horror, Lenalee felt tears spring to her eyes.

As if alerted by the tremor in her voice, Kanda raised his gaze from his papers, and Lenalee couldn't bear the scrutiny of those dark eyes, although she knew he was concerned. 

She spun away from him even as she heard him stand. 

"Hey," he said gently.

"No, no I'm fine," she sobbed, so that it came out, "Nomfine."

She groped her way towards the door, no easy feat through her veil of tears. Allen, _weak_ \- her foot connected with his shoe rack and sent her sprawling. 

Lenalee couldn't say for sure what happened during those moments, as she was immersed in the miasma of her self despair. Directionless and flailing. And when she cut loose like this all her inhibitions were gone with the wind, so that sometimes she could hear her own voice, blubbering aloud something about her dark boots and Allen. And on it went, until she had ridden the crest of her emotions and was deposited on shore, to salvage what she could.

Her face was pressed hard enough into Kanda's shirt that she was sure the buttons were leaving an imprint on her cheek. Not that she could be bothered to peel her face away to check.

Kanda was passing his hand over her hair, soothing in its predictable path. Up, this didn't happen. Down, it did- no, she wouldn't play that game. She would root herself in reality. Lenalee exhaled a quavering sigh, shifted on Kanda's lap, and squeezed his waist even tighter, feeling him press back in return.

"I'm sorry," she said at last, staring at his breast pocket. 

Kanda switched to massaging her scalp with his nails. She sagged into it.

"You're not weak," he said. 

Lenalee started. 

"Allen leaving is not your fault," the words made her squirm, but Kanda pressed her leg with one hand and pulled the other from her hair to tilt her chin up.

She fidgeted, looking anywhere but at him. 

" _Xiao guniang_ ," he said, and Lenalee froze in surprise. But that was nothing compared to what he did next. "What a child you are sometimes," a soft smile, and then he angled his head to kiss her sticky cheek.

"Kanda?" she asked in weary bewilderment, too wrung out to really react.

Kanda squeezed her shoulders, and lowered her gently to nestle against his chest once more. 

"You are not weak," he said again. "You care too much, would be the problem if any."

She twirled a loose strand of his hair around her finger.

"I wouldn't lie to you."

"I know." The hair unfurled like a ribbon and Lenalee lifted herself to face him. Kanda's honesty may not have changed, but other aspects of him had. There was a gentleness in his gaze that was new, and his face was not so pinched. He seemed...to have reached an understanding about something, to have resolved something. She couldn't explain it, just that she could see the same relief that she was feeling. That he had brought her.

She turned to sit sideways in his lap, his hands dropping to rest at her sides. No more hiding. No more quavering in corners. She was not sorry for coming here. Her dark boots were made for running, not walking. 

_So there,_ she thought with triumph. In her mind's eye, her inner demons cowered. Not gone, but wrested.

"I want to help Allen," she declared, twisting to face Kanda, who was studying her, chin in hand. 

"I know," he said, gracing her with a measured smile. Lenalee flushed. "You and Marie can help me with my plan."

Lenalee, who had been expecting nothing but "good luck," was shocked.

"You," she said slowly, "want to help Allen?"

Kanda flicked her forehead. 

Later, as he was seeing her out, Kanda stopped her at the doorway. Lenalee glanced at him.

"Promise me to reach out," he said, "when you need help. Don't neglect yourself."

Lenalee, who understood that he was speaking from the depths of experience, nodded.

"I promise. "

She would roll with the punches, the heartbreak, rather than fall in and lose herself. 

She would be _strong,_ enough to persevere when she wasn't. 

Like Kanda. Like Allen.

**Author's Note:**

> Veeery impulsive, and most definitely not what I expected I would write this fine evening, but oh well. Hope you enjoyed?  
> When Kanda spoke in Chinese, he was saying, little girl. That's what Google told me it meant, anyway.  
> Lenalee needed a dollop of reassurance to break out of her funk- if only I had someone as supportive as Kanda when I'm like that- 😭


End file.
